Mandah's Losing It!

Alright, I'm gonna break the normal shallow shell of all my posts and get real. I try to constantly be strong, brave and happy. That's the face I show the world...but I have to be honest with you (that's what all this is about anyway, isn't it?) To date, I've lost 47lbs. If anyone were to tell me they lost 47lbs, I'd be amazed and in awe. Am I amazed or in awe of myself? Absolutely not. I feel like a failure.

I've watched documentaries with people who have lost weight talking about the issues that come along with it. I've scoffed as people proclaimed to still feel their heaviest weight. At my heaviest weight, I waddled a bit, my legs did this weird bowed this on the bottom (see my before and so-far pics for a reference. They're in my second vlog). I carried myself well, but I carried myself like a very heavy woman. Since having lost 47lbs I feel no different. Even though when I look at my so-far pictures, I can clearly see the awkwardness melting away, my legs correcting themselves and I can see myself begining to carry myself differently...but I don't feel it. So, when I step on a scale (I'm a compulsive weigher) and the numbers goes up...it's the end of my world.

If I don't lose 12-15lbs a month, I consider the month a failure. I've got to lose 2.5 a week for the next 24/25 weeks...and it's a lot more pressure than I assumed. I almost wish I had kept that goal to myself.

My weight loss had started to really slow down a few weeks ago so I went from a balanced diet (as balanced as I can make it. Always within my calories) to the Adkins diet for a week. I ended up getting a really sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and so I decided to go back to balanced. Not only have I NOT lost most weight since, I've GAINED. I've got a little cushion of like 4 or 5lbs to play with so I'm going to give it a week for my body to readjust or whatever it is that's going on to right itself. If it doesn't...I don't know what to do. I'm starting to freak out. This is taking over my life.

The only reason I stopped working out tonight was because a storm knocked the power out at my gym. I've got big blisters on my feet...I feel out of control. Ah-ha....we've hit a nerve.

This whole weight loss thing has been a great way to feel in control. No, I WON'T eat that. Yes, I will exercise. It's a very powerful feeling...and it's slipping. I'm grasping but I'm coming up short.

Calories in and calories out. That's supposed to be the name of the game...so WHAT THE HELL? Gah! I cannot allow things to go back to the way they were before. Someone please help!


-Mandah
Yahoo Messenger: brunette.betty